Out in the middle of nowhere a UFO drops out of the sky at a gas station, the aliens not concerned go out of the ship. The ship even has the letters UFO emblazoned on the side. While the owner of the station stands speechless, his young employee goes and fills up their tank and even waves as they pull off. After they’re gone the owner looks shocked at his employee. He says, "Do you realize what just happened?"
"Yeah” he replied?"
"Didn’t you see the letters UFO?"
"Yeah” she repeats" and?"
"Do you know what that means?"
"Gee boss, I've been working here for 5 years, of course I know what it means,
“Unleaded Fuel Only"

A 17 year-old Antartican boy was hired to paint a white line down the middle of the highway. On the first day, he got off to a good start and he painted a white line 7 miles long. The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long. On the third day, he was down to less than a mile. Finally, his friend Max asked him why he was doing less each day. The boy replied, "I guess it takes me longer and longer to get back to the bucket each day."

nice one, stupidfied!


The Difference...

The difference between men and women....

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking:...so, that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse???" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"NO!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

What is love?

Out of the mouths of kids... answers to the question "What does love mean?"
The answers are broader and deeper than anyone would imagine. See what you think:

1. "Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."

2. "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." -Rebecca, age 8

3. "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." -Billy, age 4

4. "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." -Kari, age 5

5. "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." -Chrissy, age 6

6. "Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."

7. "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." -Terri, age 4

8. "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." -Danny, age 7

9. "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." -Emily, age 8

10. "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." -Bobby, age 7

11. "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." -Nikka, age 6

12. "Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."

13. "When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."

14. "There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."

15. "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day." -Noelle, age 7

16. "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." -Tommy, age 6

17. "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." -Cindy, age 8

18. "My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." -Clare, age 6

19. "Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." -Elaine, age 5

20. "Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." -Chris, age 7

21. "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." -Mary Ann, age 4

22. "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

23. "I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."

24. "Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."

25. "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." -Karen, age 7

26. "Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." -Mark, age 6

27. "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." -Jessica, age 8

28. "God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross, but He didn't. That's love."

29. And a great one is the story of a 4-year-old whose next door neighbor was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the man's yard and climbed on top of the man's lap and just sat there. When the boy's mother asked him what he'd said to the neighbor, the little boy said; "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

Kids are pretty smart, aren't they?

For Men - How to Answer Your Woman

Of course this is humor, not meant as advice.
Following any of this literally would probably be dangerous
to both your relationships and your health...

IT IS SATURDAY, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you should be: stretched out on the couch in front of the television, just about to watch all your favourite TV programmes that you've recorded over the last few weeks. Opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your girlfriend enters the room and says, "What exactly do you think you're doing?"

Is this a trick question or what?

Yes, it is. The trick is that no matter how you answer it, you will immediately find yourself driving down to your nearest home improvement centre, where you will spend the rest of the afternoon trying to decide the type of curtain rod that's right for you.

How does this work?

It has as much to do with the nature of the question itself as with anything else. Women are expert at posing questions that seem to have no right answer. Here's a common example.

Do I look fat?

There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted "yes." "No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It doesn't matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather go to the dentist than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say "no," clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but all the other options are worse.

There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off.

Consult this handy chart:
JUST SAY NO

* Is there someone else?
* Do you still fantasize about her?
* Are you tired of me?

JUST SAY YES

* Do you still love me?
* Do you ever fantasize about me?
* Do you like my hair this way?

Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or no response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one:

Which shoes look better?

Typically you're already late for dinner when your girlfriend confronts you, with one pair of shoes on and another alongside them. This is no ordinary choice. It's a devious chicken/egg puzzler, the sort of choice that would lead even Hobson to say to Mrs. Hobson, "Whichever, you old trout!" If you pick the shoes she already has on, she'll think you're trying to hurry her. If you pick the other pair, she'll think it's because you know you can't pick the ones she has on. Some men try a nonlinear approach and opt for a third, unoffered pair of shoes, but this is inevitably taken as either an attack on her judgment or an opportunity for her to attack yours. On no account suggest another dress. You might as well say, "You're fat."

This raises the question of why she's asking you at all. She knows you don't know which shoes look better, and she knows you don't care, so why is she trying to elicit your opinion? This is part of an ongoing campaign to domesticate you. As part of the same campaign, she will occasionally consult you about alternative table settings or new towels. In these two cases a disdainful and dismissive "beats me" should do the trick, but don't try that with the shoe dilemma, or you'll miss your reservation. Instead, suggest that she try on the other shoes, then tell her the first ones look better. This lets you more or less off the hook, as long as you don't raise a fuss when she decides that the second pair are better after all.

Where do you see this relationship going?

This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously not going to get away with snappy little answers such as "forward" or "upstairs" or "I dunno." Another problem is that you and your girlfriend are operating at cross purposes here. She wants a heartfelt expression of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and you want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering a toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of precisely what it is she wants to hear. Questions such as this one are a category unto themselves, i.e., Questions that should be answered with another question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading inquiries can be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive interrogation.

Her: Where do you see this relationship going?
You: Where do *you* see this relationship going?

Her: Do you think she's attractive?
You: Who?

Her: Will you marry me?
You: Where am I?

Her: What if I were pregnant?
You: Are you pregnant?
Her: Why? Do I look fat?

Whoops! We're in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that coming. Try a more surreal approach:

Her: What if I were pregnant?
You: What if *we* were pregnant? .... (Cool, huh?)

Some all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love got to do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your period? is not one of these.)

Let's try a math question. How many people have you slept with? Hmmmmm....Now, you can tell her the truth, unless the truth is more than 12, or you can have a guess at the number she's more or less expecting. Like most arithmetic problems, the answer is a lot easier once you have a formula. This one should work as long as neither of you has sex for a living.

Number of people she's slept with
+ Number of people she knows you've slept with
+ Number of people you actually have slept with.

Add these up and divide by 2. If you round up to the nearest whole person, you should end up with a realistically healthy but not particularly shocking number. If the result is greater than 12, then _say_ 12.

Why don't you lighten up?

This rhetorical gem is used whenever you express your disapproval of shoplifting or speeding, or whenever you go to a nightclub and spend the whole time dancing to some unbelievable crap you've never heard and _then_ go out and _buy_ it! There is no good answer to this question. You could draw attention to her inconsistency in this matter, noting that she doesn't like it when you act like a kid or when you act like your _dad_ (God forbid); then again, if you do that, she's liable to see your point and break up with you. Speaking of breaking up, how about this one?

Are you saying you want to end it?

Women, like lawyers, rarely ask a direct question, unless they already know what the answer will be. As for women lawyers, I don't know what they do, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. The point is, when a woman asks you this question, she knows you're going to say no. Even if you want to say yes, you'll say no. You can't turn the question back on her, because you have no idea what her answer is going to be. If you are trying to break up with her, you'll have to say no and start the whole painful process again. If you aren't trying to break up with her, then it's best to change the subject. Let's try something easier.

Notice anything different about me?

Well, slightly easier. This question is of a piece with two others: "Have you forgotten what today is?" and "Have you been listening to a word I've said?" Apart from being questions that are easier to answer wrong than right, they're the kinds of things women say in sitcoms. They are best treated in an ironic postmodern context, i.e., just say what Ward Cleaver would say.

Her: Notice anything different about me?
You: New apron? ... (Ouch!)

Her: Have you forgotten what today is?
You: Of course not. It's Thursday.

Her: Have you been listening to a word I've said?
You: That's nice, dear...

Funny, huh? Well, it's not your fault if she doesn't get it. If she wants a better answer, she's going to have to start asking better questions. Questions such as:

Have you taken a look at yourself lately? This question and its cousin, the almost always uncalled for "Who do you think you are?" are ways of gently reminding you how much of a factor pity was in her original decision to go out with you, and how that decision could be rescinded if you behave in any way that cannot be described as abject. You probably brought this rebuke on yourself by mentioning that you reckon Brad Pitt is getting a little chubby or by speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn't have to wait until his birthday for oral sex. You're not really supposed to answer either of these questions. You're just supposed to apologise for your wanton self-esteem-having. Instead of apologizing, just smile. Your manifold inadequacies as a boyfriend - nay, as a man - are a kind of revenge all by themselves. Next!

Do you believe in fidelity?

Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue, this question doesn't pop up out of the blue. This general query about fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of your fidelity on a specific occasion or occasions. Your response will also have to be coded. Consult this translation chart before giving your answer:

YOU SAY - Yes
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - He's hiding something.

YOU SAY - It depends
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - I knew it!

YOU SAY - Why do you ask
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - Bastard!

YOU SAY - I dunno. Do you?
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - How much does he know?

There are several more variations, but they're not worth going into. By the time she asks you this question, you're already in deep trouble. It doesn't really matter what you say, as long as you don't blush when you answer.

Let's look at an example that calls for more straightforward lying.

What are you looking at?

She means, "You were looking at that girl, weren't you?" And you thought you'd perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and just letting your eyes swivel. Obviously, the truth is not the best answer here. We all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes before you've found somewhere else to stay. It may seem easy enough to answer this question with a cunning lie, but when men are caught offguard, their ability to deceive is impaired.

Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked, "What are you looking at?"

* Too specific: The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of that mailbox on the northwest corner."
* Not specific enough: "That thing."
* Too good to be true: "A diamond necklace in that window back there that would be perfect on you."
* Too true to be good: "A see through nightie in that window back there that would be perfect on you."
* Too obvious: "Nothing."
* Way too obvious: "That blonde babe over there with the big...I mean nothing."

Here's one that requires a little interpretation.

What are we going to do now?

This one often crops up whenever some kind of emergency or seemingly unsolvable problem arises. The part that requires interpretation is the mysterious "we" in the middle. This means two things: In one sense, "we" clearly means "you," as in, "What are you going to do now," but there is also a sense of "we're in this together," implying that you bear equal responsibility for the fact that she's just dropped her keys down a grate, or that she stores her jack and spare tire in her garage so they won't get stolen.

In such situations you'll probably find that the only answer to "What are we going to do now?" that you can think of is "We are going to break up. Goodbye." Most likely you'll decide not to say anything. After which she will probably let loose with the rather ill-advised:

Why don't you say something?

Whether you answer this one is up to you. There is only one question that you should never, ever answer. Keep silent, cower behind your Fifth Amendment rights, pretend you didn't hear, run away, whatever, but don't say anything when she asks:

Should I get all of my hair cut off?

If you say anything, then when she does get all her hair cut off (and let's face it, she's already made up her mind) and she hates it (and she will hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely nothing, the best you can hope for is that she will come home with all her hair cut off, stare you straight in the eye and say:

Does it make me look fat!!?

.....You're on your own.....

Impressions...

How a Man Can Impress a Woman:

* Compliment her,
* Cuddle her,
* Kiss her,
* Caress her,
* Love her,
* Stroke her,
* Tease her,
* Smile at her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Comfort her,
* Protect her,
* Hug her,
* Hold her,
* Spend money on her,
* Wine & dine her,
* Buy things for her,
* Write love letters to her,
* Dance with her,
* Listen to her,
* Care for her,
* Stand by her,
* Support her,
* Worship her,
* Go to the ends of the earth and back for her.

How a Woman Can Impress a Man:

* Show Up Naked
* Bring Beer